mothers who have lost their sons due to being abused by them
63A MOTHERS LOVE AND PAIN
Last year I was a victim of a violent crime, assaulted by my son. It made international news "son pours gasoline on mother" I went to the police and in my hysteria I was told I had to decide to have him charged or not.
WHY WASNT THIS CONSIDERED DOMESTIC ABUSE? WHY DIDNT THE POLICE GO ARREST HIM IMMEDIATELY ? GUESS WHAT PEOPLE IT ISNT DOMESTIC ABUSE IF YOUR CHILDREN HARM YOU EVEN IF THEY ARE ADULT AND YOU LIVE WITH THEM. THE POLICE DON'T AUTOMATICALLY ARREST THEM OR REMOVE THEM FROM THE HOME. YOU DECIDE.
Okay so I decided to have him charged he could have killed me. now I am the victim of a violent crime but there is limited help out there. He is not my spouse nor my partner. I am not entitled to any of the protections alarms and such that a victim of domestic abuse would be allowed or assisted with I am on my own.
Now to be clear witness assistance was a great help and the several women's shelters i stayed at were also wonderful but no one could help me cope. For as well as wanting a victims rights I was also torn as a mother wanting my son safe. It was the worst experience knowing that my son was in Jail
and I WAS THE ONE WHO PUT HIM THERE.
Any mother who has been where I am knows exactly how I feel. the mom cares,worries, wonders is he okay. The victim tries to cope with the after affects of being a victim of a violent crime. Then you try to separate the two. How ??? Even some of the counselors I have seen don't have any answers. So to try and recover from all of this I have started this hub to see if any other parents out there mothers or fathers need support this is to help us all cope, and perhaps figure out a way to move forward with our lives.
If other parents out there are like me and let this go on for years in an effort to help their children Once you put a stop to it You are lost and don't know where to go from here. I gave up everything in my life moved created a whole new environment. some of My family are afraid just like me that he might try to harm them to hurt me. So now my contact with the rest of my family is limited. So now I did the right thing according to the law, but where do I go from here how do i rebuild my life how do I fill the hole that losing my son has caused in my heart. How do I cope with the victim part of me and the feelings that generates while still trying to cope with the mother part of my and the feelings that generates.
AND STILL ABOVE ALL ELSE I PRAY FOR HIM AND HOPE HE SEEKS THE HELP HE NEEDS TO GO ON AND HAVE A BETTER LIFE I WANT HIM TO SUCCEED AND I PRAY THAT HIS LIFE IMPROVES EVEN IF I WILL NEVER SEE IT OR KNOW ABOUT IT . How do I cope with all of this
A Lost Hurting Mother and victim
So join me here to vent or suggest ideas or just to know there are others out there like us who need help.
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Another day down, survived and trying to grow stronger. I have found sending out support to others seems to help. And reading about others helps me look at my own situation with a more open mind. so thank You for helping me learn more about myself and become stronger
hang in there better days ahead.I promise you learn to cope. it never goes away but you do manage and go on with your life
As i know i will too it is just hard right now still very raw
He has to follow the three year no contact order.
Period he has to reearn my trust and it will be slow comming he could of killed me.
That would have caused untold harm to the rest of the family and his own soul so now he has to stand on his own.
Mom is done protecting him mom is done covering for him and mom is done enabling him. He is an adult he has to want my trust again before we can begin anywhere.
I love him with all my heart and soul but i will never again put myself at risk for Him Your children are one of the few people in the world you should be able to trust and count on. but time will tell
I am too terribly sorry for what you are going through! I can't honestly say I know what you're going through when it comes to going through that as a mother, but i went through something along those lines as a daughter and it does hurt! but the difference between your situation and mine is nothing happened about it, the cops did absolutely nothing to my dad! and i was totally alone through it all, my whole family totally ignored me about it! so I somewhat know what you're going through!
Maybe you and he can talk over the phone after year.
Thank You for the support. I know i need to forgive him and the mother in me already does.
but the victim is having a hard time somehow someday I will come to terms as both mother and victim
again thank you for your support it is appreciated and much needed as I try and recover
Hello mary52. You made the right decision. If your son had set you on fire after pouring gasoline on you, he would be in prison for a lifetime for murder. This way he had to see the consequences of his actions but still has opportunity for a good life.
I suppose laws are continually evolving as our society becomes more and more twisted. In the past there probably was no need for our children to be covered under Domestic Violence laws. That certainly is changing as parents become victims of assault and murder.
I hope both you and your son find peace and grace through Christ and are healed, you from your pain and he from his disrespect and anger. Please know that you can forgive him without putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Let us know how you get on in your life.
He is out of jail. And for the next three years we have a no contact order.
I am hoping this will give him time to get the help he needs.
After that we shall see he has broken the most sacred of trusts that of a mother and son.
Now he must earn the trust back thank You for the suppport it is appreciated and much needed right now
Tough Love is what is necessary for him to learn his lesson, just like any kind of abuse if you enable him to abuse you, then you are part of the problem.
You must be firm to make sure when he gets out he cannot go back to his old ways.
Look at the long term and help him learn his lesson, you did the right thing!
Thanks for breaking up your article so I could read it!
You did what you had to do for your sake and the sake of your son. I just hope and pray that he will understand that one day and come back to you. I know I was gutted when my son turned on me, especially since I had dedicated my life to him and my other children. Think of him often with love in your heart and hopefully he will feel your love and understand. You take good care of yourself because sounds like you done all you can.
thank You for the support it is good to know that someone else out there had the same problem and the end result worked out/
many times over the past few months I have despaired that I will ever know my son again I pray that he finds his way.
Although I am not sure he will ever forgive me for putting him in jail. I pray that He finds it in his heart someday to understand but if He doesnt then so be it.
At least I have shown him that what he did was wrong and that the years of enabling him are over. Maybe this will be the step that helps on his road to recovery and he goes on to have a good life
Bless you Mary you have been to hell and back and I feel for you. I cried when I read this heartbreaking hub. I was in a similar situation with my eldest son who had become addicted to drugs. He is ok now and I have my loving son back after years of struggle. I pray that everything works out for you. Sending you a loving strengthening hug. x
Thank You for Your kind words. We will survive this and with prayer and hope perhaps The victim and victimizer can both go on to have better lives
I work hard everyday to turn the negatives around and to try and give back to the world. Kindness to others is a first step to learning to trust and have faith again
I apologize for the inconsiderate layout of the page. Sometimes people when they are writing are more emotional and the layout gets lost in the emotions.
I appreciate Your information on this and have corrected it for you and anyone else whom it matters/
but at the time of posting I was more concerned with getting the information out there .
I am hoping to be able to help others cope.
thank you for your info it was noted and corrected
Mary52, I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I can imagine how it must hurt you that you cannot have your son and the pain and humiliation you have faced from the way he treated you. Indeed some questions are hard to answer because when they have to be answered, consideration has to be made to say we are talking to a mother who is also a victim. I can only encourage you to be strong to hold on to hope and keep praying that God will touch your son. I will be remembering him in my prayers too because I know there is nothing that can be too difficult for God. On the other hand, I pray that you will have the strength to carry on and that all the negatives will become positives in your new life. Stay blessed.
I only go through the fist couple sentences before I had to stop reading, when you don't use paragraphs or break up the information it is really hard on the readers eyes.
Computer screens have light that shines through the words, not like a book which is flat reflected light, please restructure your hub so that I and other can read it without abusing our eyes.
mary52 Hub Author 3 months ago
Okay a question or request for an opinion I guess. How do you get through each day knowing your firstborn now hates you. How do you late at nite stop the tears.
I try and separate but it is so hard. It is like cutting ties with any member of Your family but a bit stronger because it is YOUR child. and in this case my first born . I was very young when I had him only eighteen. My life for all these years has been my children.
I cannot count the times I helped him or put my own life on hold to help. It seems right now like something is missing. Helping him has been so much a part of my daily life that I dont know what to replace it with.
I dont make friends easily so starting over in a new town where I know no one is stressful in itself. Although it was for my own safety and I made the decision it still is hard.
Sometimes I find myself angry at Him as well because of this. If he had not become violent I could have stayed in the town I was in.
Guess time is the only true cure for this heartbreak.